The Weight is Heavy AF Y’all

          I didn't realize just how heavy my heart has been until this morning while my husband and I were on our daily walk and I was deep in thoughts that seem to overcome me often these days. Suddenly breaking my deep thoughts I hear my husband ask "so how are you doing babe?" Odd question since we have been joined at the hip for the last 60 days practically round the clock. Guess he could tell something was laying heavy on my heart. I try to muster up an encouraging and believable "good, I suppose." Then as my eyes started to well with tears, I realized I am exhausted and the weight is so damn heavy right now. Today is the 2 month mark of quarantine, lockdown, safer at home, (whatever you want to call it so it that it is pc), and this girl just realized how physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted she is, and the reasons are so far off from what would normally put me in such a state of being.

 

         Hear me out before you jump to conclusions, roll your eyes, and wonder how I could possibly be in such a state right now. I am not a nurse or essential worker on the front lines. I am living a dream vacation right now being able to stay at home (which is what I do on a normal basis), having less hectic lives, being able to spend much more quality time with my husband and children. Right? Not to mention we are fortunate to do this all while still collecting a paycheck, and rolling in extra money from the government. How could I be tired?  First of all I am human and allowed to have emotionally, physically, and mentally draining days and be able to be honest about them. When this Coronavirus....Covid-19.....pandemic began and we were ordered to "stay at home" I was the first one to say no problem, I got this! I am an introvert through and through, so I find my peace and comfort in my own home. A homebody none the less. I didn't see my life personally being largely affected. In fact in 60 days I have stepped foot inside a store only TWICE. My children have not stepped foot in any place since the 14th of March. However, as things start getting more and more restrictive and more and more demands start being thrown on us to S T O P living life the only way we have known how to, I'm suddenly starting to feel more and more anxious and the four walls of my place of peace are slowly starting to close in on me. Day by day new demands are being asked of us, the stay at home orders being pushed out more and more days, weeks and now months, new things are being stripped from us and everyday begins to feel the same monotonous routine with no escape. Then we are hit with the news that kids would not be returning to physical school buildings for the remainder of the school year and that distance learning was in the works to finish out the year and possibly continue for the next school year. Y'all in 2010 I changed my major from education to business for a reason. I was not destined to be a teacher, I don't know how to be a teacher, and I don't want to be a teacher. I had kids so I could be their mother not their school teacher. Teachers are special people who have love and a passion for teaching, teaching needs to be left to the professionals and "teaching" my friends is not anywhere on my masters diploma.

 

 

          Everyday the death toll rises, over night hundreds of new cases are being counted. Are these numbers accurate? Real? Where was all this daily data when other viruses killed hundreds of thousands of people? The news is bleak, depressing and negative. Then comes the information that more and more Americans are being directed to work from home, my husband being one of them. My 2500 square foot cozy home is beginning to feel a lot like a Manhattan 500 square foot studio for a family of 5. I'm slowly beginning to feel very constricted in my place of sanctity, the place where once the kids are off to school and the husband off to work I find my rejuvenation. Anyone who is or knows an introvert knows that solitude is crucial to our health and happiness. It's how we recharge in order to not get overwhelmed by the weight of the world. Now, I find myself forced into the dark depths of my closet, sneaking off to the backyard, or hiding in my car parked in the garage just to find some peace and quiet.

 

 

          In addition to all that, I am being bombarded by news updates by the minute. News that is sad, news that is ominous, news that is fake, news that is one sided, news that's wrong/right maybe right maybe wrong, news that is grim and news that is gut wrenching. I don't even know what real reliable information is anymore, the hearsay, the contradictions, the division, the hate and the down right negativity is unnerving. What do I believe? What do I listen to, and not listen to? How do I know that I am keeping me and my family safe yet still trying to maintain some sort of normalcy? Not creating a life of fear and not causing undo anxiety. How does my husband make sure his team is staying safe while still doing the jobs they are being asked to do? Is he making the right choices? Surly being an empathetic human overrides your position of being a boss? Is there balance to be found? The weight is undeniably heavy. I'm by nature a nurturer and I try to fix things the best I can.....I can't fix this.

 

           I'm tired y'all, tired of going to bed at night with the weight of the current situation raging in my head and laying heavy on my heart. Tired of putting on a brave front when things are weighing so heavy. These are very uncharted waters and something we have never had to navigate before. I end my days finally falling asleep praying that the new day as the sun rises good news will be heard. For the last 60 days I have not had one thing scheduled on the calendar, nothing in the immediate or distant future to be looking forward to. Right now we would be planning 3 birthday celebrations, an anniversary date, attending football camps, Friday night games, and all the end of school year activities and bashes.

 

 

           

          People please I will be the first person to recognize all of the many MANY positive things that have come out of the sudden halt of the world. I always TRY to find the good in situations that seem gloomy, and the reason for the season. The current situation no doubt has slowed our very fast paced lives down, way way down and made us find new and creative ways to be closer through distancing, new ways to learn, and work.  I love my family more than anything in this world and I have cherished the extra time with them doing things we normally wouldn't have time to do because we would be running here or there participating in extra curriculars and other activities. Over the last 60 days we have eaten every meal together, extended our family dinners into game nights. Put puzzles together, swam daily, walked several miles together everyday and spent more than normal time as a family together at home. We have been able to see the things that really matter at the end of the day. Not only personal benefits but the world itself has had time to slow down and  rejuvenate itself.  However, that being said I really miss what was our "normal"....sure people say we will never get that back and perhaps we may not need certain things to go back to the way they used to be but as humans we are not programed to be the way our officials are demanding us to be. This people cannot be our "new normal". I need personal interactions with other people, I need to see a dear friend in a store and be able to go give them a hug, I need socialization, I need to be able to smile at a stranger in a store and have it brighten their day, not behind a mask covered face. I love the life my family and I have built. Take it from me someone who is a pro at picking up life as I know it and moving to a different place to create a "new life" in a "new place" every couple of years. Being able to create a "new normal" is my specialty. However, I don't believe the world needs a "new normal."

 

I miss going to the gym with my husband and working out for my health and well being. It is good for my soul, and it helps center myself for the day ahead. Home workouts are rough, monotonous, and the instructor has the hots for me and won't stop touching my butt.

 

I miss spending my evenings on the football field watching my boys practice and prepare for football season. Now I watch the live feed of WWF between two killer whales in the backyard pool.

 

I miss going out to have coffee, lunch, or a glass of wine with my girlfriends on occasion. Friends that I will only get to spend limited time with because the military will soon separate us hundreds of miles apart. So those get togethers are extremely precious to me. Now I have conversations with myself and a glass of wine in my closet while admiring the dress shoes I haven't gotten to wear in months.

 

I miss going to the beach listening to the sound of the waves putting my feet in the sand closing my eyes and feeling the weight of the world lifted. Now the closest thing I have to the beach and waves is the sound of them when I put a huge sea shell up to my ear while splashing in the bathtub.

 

I miss my weekly date nights with my husband talking about our week and things that we are looking forward to in the future, the past and where we will be in 5 years. Since we have been together for the last 60 days our date nights consist of talking about what we want for dinner the next night over a meal of whatever food wasn't gobbled up by the kids.

 

I miss going to the store and not feeling like people think I have an infectious plague. Having to make sure I'm within the 6 foot regulation, going the right way down an isle and trying to breath while not touching my face. Having to hold in a couch or a sneeze while making sure I don't forget anything because I don't want to have to go back and do it all over again anytime soon. Okay the face coverings are nice if I leave the house with a booger in my nose that my family failed to tell me about, at least strangers at Wal Mart won't see it. 

 

I miss going to an actual church service. The worship, the music and the connections. Watching at home the kids are tempted to fall asleep (okay that's not any different), the dogs want to play ball and there are never any dang donuts.

 

          Folks these last two months have felt like an eternity. This virus is here to stay, it is not going anywhere, so stop with the "when it's gone". But does that mean I have to live where connections are made behind a screen, daily interactions, conversations, and smiles are done behind masks, and people live in fear of being a victim of Covid? I am ready to share my family with the outside world. I'm ready to send my husband off to work and share him with his coworkers. I know they miss hearing his daily frustration rants of why the computer is running so damn slow. I want to love and miss him while he's gone and anxiously await his return in the evenings. I want to have stuff to talk about over a dinner out just husband and wife, and not have the words virus, covid, depression or distance learning to be in any part of the conversation. I want to share my kids with their friends, teammates, classmates, teachers, and be able to miss them while they are gone. Ask them how their day was when they return knowing I'll get the sassy eyeroll with the sarcastic comment said in a Tony the Tiger voice "GRRREAT!"

 

 

 

 

          People please stop the division, the hate, the judgment and remember that yes, we may all be  in this together but we are NOT all in the same boat. This is not Noah's Arc. Some of us are charting these waters on a yacht, some are on a sailboat, some are in a canoe and some are on a lifeboat. I'm tired of rowing my boat y'all, so don't judge me for saying I want to stop rowing and get back to life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            

 

          





 

 

 

Kaleb Graduated Tech School!!!

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙    

          We said good-bye to Kaleb on September 24th 2019 as he left SoCal to begin his BMT training. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Watching my grown boy walk away and fade into the distance as he boarded a plane to San Antonio, TX on his own. A place that was very familiar to him yet he was heading into very unknown territory. I tried to put on a tough exterior but was internally ugly crying.....at the same time I knew you were questioning your decisions, second guessing if this was what you should be doing, but I know we both knew you were strong and that you were going to be just fine.

          During the two hour ride home I couldn't help but think of the last 19 years and how quickly they had passed before my very eyes. I began to doubt whether or not we had successfully raised you to be a stand up member of society, and began to wish that we had just one more day, week, month, or even year to prepare you before we threw you into very uncharted territory. As I was watching the terrain out the car window I was quickly taken aback to the day we welcomed you into the world. Seemed like yesterday but it also felt like so long ago. From that very cold wintery February day in Montana we vowed to do our best as your parents with God's guidance to raise you up to be the best version of you. There have been many lessons on both ends but as I type this and tears well up in my eyes I can't help but still see that little two foot beach blond haired little boy holding my hand as we walk to the pool for the 18th time in a day. Or the little brown eyed boy who looked up to me and asked "mommy can I marry you?" Or the little 5 year old that loved to shadow daddy at work to watch the "soldiers" march. To the kid with so much drive on the baseball field and basketball court to the young man just learning to drive, getting your first job and graduating high school.

 

 

          Never in any of those moments did I think you would choose to follow in your father's footsteps and join the Air Force and carry on the Gilleo military legacy. I know that being a military brat yourself you know what that lifestyle entails. As a parent it is even harder knowing that's what your child wants for his future. However, as I type this I couldn't be more prouder of you and the young man you have grown up to be. Sure life has a funny way of getting us to where we are or need to be and it can be a rough and bumpy road but you held on and trusted that it would all work out. Look at you now an Airman graduating Tech school and about to make some big future decisions.

 



          As sad as it makes my heart to think that our time of having you under our roof is quickly coming to a close, I find peace that you will accomplish great things on your own. I know the last 7 months have been exciting, challenging, stressful, fun and even scary trying to navigate a pandemic in the middle of tech school. As I look at how far you have come in your short two decades of life I am beyond blessed to be able to call you my son and very thankful for what you brought to our lives.  I wish time didn't have to go so fast, but I know you are ready to set sail on your own life and begin to do things that you have dreamed about your whole life.

 

 

 

 

 

           Congratulations on graduating tech school!!! We are so proud of you and can't wait to see what the future has in store for you. Welcome home son!!! Welcome home!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 







Integrity Where Can I Find It?

Asking for a friend of course. Integrity, core values and morals have all been words that have been resounding themes over the last couple of years in my college business classes. Values that I was raised on and virtues that I try to instill in my children. So I am just wondering if they really are that important in today's society or has the dog eat dog world won out and eaten all the drive for people to have integrity, values and morals? According to the Webster dictionary the meaning of integrity is "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness." Synonyms are words like honesty, honor, good character, ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, fairness, sincerity, truthfulness, and trustworthiness. To me integrity is the foundation for having a solid bond of all life's virtues.

 

Sure having integrity isn't always black and white nor is it always easy, but nothing in life is. You have to work hard to be successful, you have to work hard to have a successful marriage, you have to work hard to raise kids. However, to me it seems far more fulfilling to live a life of integrity than to live a life full of deceit. I feel like I am going to lose my mind up in here on a daily basis trying to keep up with my crazy family, there is no way in heck I would be able to keep up with my lies, always have to fear that my lies would catch up with me, or even worse have to live each day knowing I was given something I didn't deserve. I have a very deep and magnified conscience and it is much easier to wake each morning, look at myself in the mirror with pride and be confident that I will make the world a better place than I did the day before. Don't get me wrong I am just as human as the next person and I will screw up, I'll lose my cool, maybe even go bat shit crazy from time to time and say things I will regret and in fact I have made some big mistakes in my lifetime but what I learned from those mistakes is what makes the difference of who I'll be tomorrow. In fact I will take you on a quick trip down my memory lane to when I was in 7th grade. The fad, trend, craze what ever you want to call it was to wear fake eyeglasses. All the kids were doing it (okay I'm sure not all) but it felt like I was the only one without a pair, so I asked my mom if she would buy me some. She said no! So instead of working to earn the money (because that would take time and effort) I decided I would steal them. Yes, you read that right! Steal. So I conned my little sister into going to the store with me and I purchased a bag of candy then went back and put a pair of glasses in the bag and as we were walking out of the store we were stopped, taken to the loss prevention room interrogated and then hauled down to the police station in the back of a cop car. That time in my life is a constant reminder of when I tried to cheat the system and get something I didn't earn, pay for, or even deserve. If a little shoplifting incident has had that much impact on me 28 years later I can't imagine living with myself if I was constantly dishonest, disloyal, backstabbing, conniving....well you get the point. Nobody owes me anything....I want to be at peace on my death bed knowing I worked hard my whole life to get the things I had earned, enjoyed, and experienced. That what I did in my life made a difference in someone else's life and that I may have impacted one, just one other person to do something that changes the life of someone else in a positive way.

Now back to the subject of integrity. I can bet that 99 percent of organizations, businesses, firms, have the word integrity and its meaning somewhere in their code of conduct, employee handbook, on a poster in the break-room. That's all great but if leadership is not leading by example I am afraid it means nothing. If integrity isn't a daily action then someone isn't doing their job. In fact last semester for my one of my graduate management classes I had to create an OEP (Operational Ethics Program) and this was my mission statement for my made up organization:

Mission Statement:

            Button Bottom strives to be a premier small business boutique by accomplishing exceptional results for our customers, creating desirable careers for our employees, while being able to achieve a return on the products we are so passionate about. Button Bottom was created on a solid foundation of the values we deem extremely important in the business sector. We are a successful business because we firmly stand on the values of trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, integrity and citizenship in all that we do. We provide a safe and healthy work environment for all, and we are passionate about doing our jobs right from the very start, because we only have one chance to make an outstanding first impression. We are constantly building a diverse, inclusive, and collaborative environment. We welcome everyone’s uniqueness and use it to make ourselves a better organization than we were yesterday. Through our culture at Button Bottom and the fashion boutique sector, we strive to create outstanding customer trust which is built on integrity and to provide quality service and products that create experiences where passion and love are not only inspired but exhumed.

In fact when I think of integrity one man comes to mind. He is an Airman in the United States Air Force, he will tell you all about integrity because it is in The United States Air Force Core Values "Little Blue Book" and it's verbally spoken numerous times a day. It was also instilled in him when he was a little military brat. That man is my husband and I'm not being biased because I get to be married to him, he is one person I have looked up to since the day I met him. I try hard to emulate his passion when it comes to living life with a positive purpose.

The Air Force core values state three simple things....and I hear him refer to these values almost daily.

Integrity first

 Service before self

 Excellence in all we do

It then goes on to explain the following moral traits:

Courage, honesty, responsibility, accountability, justice, openness, self-respect and humility. So where along the lines have all of these virtues been lost? Where can they be found and how do we instill them in the next generations if the current generations don't value them? In reading the "Little Blue Book" I never came across things like "it's all about me", "do what you have too to get to the top", "mediocre", "one up", "sorry about your luck", "deceit", "get over it", "it's all about who you know"....each one of us were made to leave this earth a little better than it was when we entered it. My responsibility over the last 17 years has been to instill the importance of doing what is right even when nobody is looking, have good work ethics, sacrifice to become better and lead the way for those who are going to be following you, into my children who one day will be the generation leading our world.

I just finished a finance class for my graduate degree and during the last week we had to watch a video of a Q and A session between students of the University of Nebraska, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. Two of the most successful and wealthiest men in America who did it the right way. One of the questions that was asked of Buffett was how he instills ethical leadership within his organization. Buffett responded without hesitation "We can afford to lose money, we cannot afford to lose reputation, not a shred of reputation. Therefore I ask managers then to judge every action they take not just by legal standards although that's obviously the first test, but also by the test what I call the newspaper test. How would they feel about any given action if it was to be written up the next day in their local paper to be read by their families, friends, neighbors?" Ponder that for a little bit............Would you be completely at peace if your behavior today was headline news tomorrow?

My guess is that far less people would today than in the past. Our world today has become accustomed to living by "the end justifies the means." When people have the mindset that their "valid" reason of being dishonest, revengeful, hateful, jealous and vindictive justifies the end result then all kinds of shit hits the fan. I may be a lone wolf when I say that having integrity is the most valuable quality a person can have in their life, but I think when a person exhumes integrity it speaks volumes on the rest of their character. People can gain profit in power or profit in dollars or profit in moving up the ladder but those are all temporary. A person who has a profit in a foundation of people who trust them as a person of integrity....that there....is forever. Missouri Governor Eric Greitens says, "...people who aren't satisfied with themselves can never be satisfied with others. People who regularly and viciously criticize others are almost always dissatisfied with themselves. People who are content with themselves, can usually find a way to see the good in others as well." God made us all (or what ever your belief is where we came from) just knowing that we are here in this life together will allow people to love the good in people, but more importantly will give people the strength to grow in your own patients, courage, and resilience for the bad people. Can you imagine what the world would be like if people were always working together for the greater good and lifting people up instead of tearing them down?

To quote Warren Buffett again....
"In looking for people to hire, look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don't have the first one, the other two will kill you." He is a very wise man!

My husband and I celebrated 18 years (22 years common law) of marriage on May 22nd, so I have known him over half my life. He is my epitome of what a person of integrity is. He has been an extremely hard working, driven, diligent, courageous, honest and determined man. When I met him he was in the Air National Guard, worked as a head cook at a local steak house AND stocked grocery shelves for Coca-Cola. One of the traits that attracted me to him was his integrity and whether it was watching cans go around the assembly line at Coke, being asked to do something unethical at work, training new recruits as an MTI for the Air Force, or recruiting new recruits for the Air Force Reserve he has always done it with determination to have a positive influence on anyone he came in contact with. He wakes every morning bright eyed bushy tailed (barf) ready to accept the challenges of a new day, blessed that he has the opportunity to make a difference for one more day and ready to give 110% in everything he does. Meidocure or minimum are not in his vocabulary. He strives to go that one extra step in all that he does.

 "If better is possible, good is never enough!" Whoever it is that said this needs a million high fives.

Think about those words....if there is always an opportunity to do better why not cease that opportunity? If you are not willing to take that one, two, sometimes 1000 steps to make the difference between good and better than that's on you and you then have given up the right to hate on the person who was willing to take those steps. My husband doesn't do anything half assed he goes above and beyond because it satisfies HIM and he knows that at the end of the day he did all he could do. He doesn't do it to make himself look better than the next person or to make someone feel less of a human than he is. He does it because his purpose in life is to make a positive difference. To lead by example for future generations. Boys care about themselves but men will think about and put others before themselves. My husband is a MAN, and I totally get why we were blessed with three boys of our own who have the best role model I know and who one day will become MEN! I wish that my husbands sacrifice would rub off on me a little more. He will go without before he lets me, his boys, his family or a brother in arms go without. He was given one life and he doesn't feel the need to squander it on himself. Sure he wants to be successful and win and he has never been or will ever be a quitter, but he wants to know he earned his success. He is willing to sweat and put in the work that it takes to win and be successful otherwise it isn't worth it.

This right here is my reason why. This right here is my husbands reason why. I would never want him to change who he is, what he stands for or how he lives his life! Each and everyday he is blessed with another opportunity to make the world different for the better and he doesn't take that for granted. More than anything he knows he is a leader and that people are watching him do it right and at the end of the day if the only people watching him are his three sons than it is so worth it.

No body is born a warrior.

You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated.

You choose to be one when you refuse to back down.

You choose to be one when you stand up after getting knocked down.

You choose to be one because if not you, who?

-Being Caballero