Hear me out before you jump to conclusions, roll your eyes, and wonder how I could possibly be in such a state right now. I am not a nurse or essential worker on the front lines. I am living a dream vacation right now being able to stay at home (which is what I do on a normal basis), having less hectic lives, being able to spend much more quality time with my husband and children. Right? Not to mention we are fortunate to do this all while still collecting a paycheck, and rolling in extra money from the government. How could I be tired? First of all I am human and allowed to have emotionally, physically, and mentally draining days and be able to be honest about them. When this Coronavirus....Covid-19.....pandemic began and we were ordered to "stay at home" I was the first one to say no problem, I got this! I am an introvert through and through, so I find my peace and comfort in my own home. A homebody none the less. I didn't see my life personally being largely affected. In fact in 60 days I have stepped foot inside a store only TWICE. My children have not stepped foot in any place since the 14th of March. However, as things start getting more and more restrictive and more and more demands start being thrown on us to S T O P living life the only way we have known how to, I'm suddenly starting to feel more and more anxious and the four walls of my place of peace are slowly starting to close in on me. Day by day new demands are being asked of us, the stay at home orders being pushed out more and more days, weeks and now months, new things are being stripped from us and everyday begins to feel the same monotonous routine with no escape. Then we are hit with the news that kids would not be returning to physical school buildings for the remainder of the school year and that distance learning was in the works to finish out the year and possibly continue for the next school year. Y'all in 2010 I changed my major from education to business for a reason. I was not destined to be a teacher, I don't know how to be a teacher, and I don't want to be a teacher. I had kids so I could be their mother not their school teacher. Teachers are special people who have love and a passion for teaching, teaching needs to be left to the professionals and "teaching" my friends is not anywhere on my masters diploma.
Everyday the death toll rises, over night hundreds of new cases are being counted. Are these numbers accurate? Real? Where was all this daily data when other viruses killed hundreds of thousands of people? The news is bleak, depressing and negative. Then comes the information that more and more Americans are being directed to work from home, my husband being one of them. My 2500 square foot cozy home is beginning to feel a lot like a Manhattan 500 square foot studio for a family of 5. I'm slowly beginning to feel very constricted in my place of sanctity, the place where once the kids are off to school and the husband off to work I find my rejuvenation. Anyone who is or knows an introvert knows that solitude is crucial to our health and happiness. It's how we recharge in order to not get overwhelmed by the weight of the world. Now, I find myself forced into the dark depths of my closet, sneaking off to the backyard, or hiding in my car parked in the garage just to find some peace and quiet.
In addition to all that, I am being bombarded by news updates by the minute. News that is sad, news that is ominous, news that is fake, news that is one sided, news that's wrong/right maybe right maybe wrong, news that is grim and news that is gut wrenching. I don't even know what real reliable information is anymore, the hearsay, the contradictions, the division, the hate and the down right negativity is unnerving. What do I believe? What do I listen to, and not listen to? How do I know that I am keeping me and my family safe yet still trying to maintain some sort of normalcy? Not creating a life of fear and not causing undo anxiety. How does my husband make sure his team is staying safe while still doing the jobs they are being asked to do? Is he making the right choices? Surly being an empathetic human overrides your position of being a boss? Is there balance to be found? The weight is undeniably heavy. I'm by nature a nurturer and I try to fix things the best I can.....I can't fix this.
I'm tired y'all, tired of going to bed at night with the weight of the current situation raging in my head and laying heavy on my heart. Tired of putting on a brave front when things are weighing so heavy. These are very uncharted waters and something we have never had to navigate before. I end my days finally falling asleep praying that the new day as the sun rises good news will be heard. For the last 60 days I have not had one thing scheduled on the calendar, nothing in the immediate or distant future to be looking forward to. Right now we would be planning 3 birthday celebrations, an anniversary date, attending football camps, Friday night games, and all the end of school year activities and bashes.
People please I will be the first person to recognize all of the many MANY positive things that have come out of the sudden halt of the world. I always TRY to find the good in situations that seem gloomy, and the reason for the season. The current situation no doubt has slowed our very fast paced lives down, way way down and made us find new and creative ways to be closer through distancing, new ways to learn, and work. I love my family more than anything in this world and I have cherished the extra time with them doing things we normally wouldn't have time to do because we would be running here or there participating in extra curriculars and other activities. Over the last 60 days we have eaten every meal together, extended our family dinners into game nights. Put puzzles together, swam daily, walked several miles together everyday and spent more than normal time as a family together at home. We have been able to see the things that really matter at the end of the day. Not only personal benefits but the world itself has had time to slow down and rejuvenate itself. However, that being said I really miss what was our "normal"....sure people say we will never get that back and perhaps we may not need certain things to go back to the way they used to be but as humans we are not programed to be the way our officials are demanding us to be. This people cannot be our "new normal". I need personal interactions with other people, I need to see a dear friend in a store and be able to go give them a hug, I need socialization, I need to be able to smile at a stranger in a store and have it brighten their day, not behind a mask covered face. I love the life my family and I have built. Take it from me someone who is a pro at picking up life as I know it and moving to a different place to create a "new life" in a "new place" every couple of years. Being able to create a "new normal" is my specialty. However, I don't believe the world needs a "new normal."
I miss going to the gym with my husband and working out for my health and well being. It is good for my soul, and it helps center myself for the day ahead. Home workouts are rough, monotonous, and the instructor has the hots for me and won't stop touching my butt.
I miss spending my evenings on the football field watching my boys practice and prepare for football season. Now I watch the live feed of WWF between two killer whales in the backyard pool.
I miss going out to have coffee, lunch, or a glass of wine with my girlfriends on occasion. Friends that I will only get to spend limited time with because the military will soon separate us hundreds of miles apart. So those get togethers are extremely precious to me. Now I have conversations with myself and a glass of wine in my closet while admiring the dress shoes I haven't gotten to wear in months.
I miss going to the beach listening to the sound of the waves putting my feet in the sand closing my eyes and feeling the weight of the world lifted. Now the closest thing I have to the beach and waves is the sound of them when I put a huge sea shell up to my ear while splashing in the bathtub.
I miss my weekly date nights with my husband talking about our week and things that we are looking forward to in the future, the past and where we will be in 5 years. Since we have been together for the last 60 days our date nights consist of talking about what we want for dinner the next night over a meal of whatever food wasn't gobbled up by the kids.
I miss going to the store and not feeling like people think I have an infectious plague. Having to make sure I'm within the 6 foot regulation, going the right way down an isle and trying to breath while not touching my face. Having to hold in a couch or a sneeze while making sure I don't forget anything because I don't want to have to go back and do it all over again anytime soon. Okay the face coverings are nice if I leave the house with a booger in my nose that my family failed to tell me about, at least strangers at Wal Mart won't see it.
I miss going to an actual church service. The worship, the music and the connections. Watching at home the kids are tempted to fall asleep (okay that's not any different), the dogs want to play ball and there are never any dang donuts.
Folks these last two months have felt like an eternity. This virus is here to stay, it is not going anywhere, so stop with the "when it's gone". But does that mean I have to live where connections are made behind a screen, daily interactions, conversations, and smiles are done behind masks, and people live in fear of being a victim of Covid? I am ready to share my family with the outside world. I'm ready to send my husband off to work and share him with his coworkers. I know they miss hearing his daily frustration rants of why the computer is running so damn slow. I want to love and miss him while he's gone and anxiously await his return in the evenings. I want to have stuff to talk about over a dinner out just husband and wife, and not have the words virus, covid, depression or distance learning to be in any part of the conversation. I want to share my kids with their friends, teammates, classmates, teachers, and be able to miss them while they are gone. Ask them how their day was when they return knowing I'll get the sassy eyeroll with the sarcastic comment said in a Tony the Tiger voice "GRRREAT!"
People please stop the division, the hate, the judgment and remember that yes, we may all be in this together but we are NOT all in the same boat. This is not Noah's Arc. Some of us are charting these waters on a yacht, some are on a sailboat, some are in a canoe and some are on a lifeboat. I'm tired of rowing my boat y'all, so don't judge me for saying I want to stop rowing and get back to life.
