There is much hiding behind the smile in the above picture. Sure if you were to ask me how I am doing most likely my response will be I am doing well. After all, how many people really listen to the answer, and more so how many really would stop to think about how to respond if the answer was I am not okay? To be quite honest the weight of the world has increased ten-fold since my last blog. I have experienced bouts of extreme anxiety for the first time in my life this year. What you see in the picture above is not the same image of what lies heavily on my heart and mind daily. I am and will be very honest, I am not ashamed to admit that this year has been hard as f***, and the things that I do in order to make it through each and every day I will be extremely unapologetic for. Taking care of me, in order to be able to take care of my family is much bigger than worrying about if I offended someone by not wearing a mask walking through the open air in the parking lot, or because I take my mask off while at the gym where we are outside and distanced, voicing my frustrations of being treated like a 44-year-old child who needs big government to tell me when and what I can do outside my own home, or what time I need to be back inside my home. I need to worry about myself because my family depends on me, and I don't have time to worry about if I offended you with a FB post that has a different view than you do. I am not insensitive or heartless when I decide not to wear a mask outdoors when social distancing is practiced. All the data and science is quite contradicting, and let's face it science is not 100%, and this virus is to new for even the most prestigious to know exactly what will and what won't help. Listen here we have been in lockdown mode for 10 months now and we are worse off now than we were in March. Something isn't working. Three weeks to slow the spread has turned into more lockdowns, more restrictions, and more hate as we are now entering week 43 of the initial 3 weeks. It was extremely hard for my senior to watch practically the rest of the country continue living life. Going to school and participating in their senior year of football, meeting up with friends making senior memories while we continue to be told to stay home. My children can't go to school or play sports or gather with their friends at a local park. People say it's all about perspective, but I have to disagree. What would your perspective look like in my shoes? We are all living this differently and it is doesn't affect us all the same. I am or was prior to this year a person who looks for the silver lining in everything. The reason for the season and that God puts us where we need to be. However, something has grabbed a hold of my heart this year and caused me to be less than optimistic. I know a huge part of it is the fact that we have been stripped from being able to gather with fellow believers and worship. I need that time for self rejuvenation and to keep me grounded in my beliefs.
We are NOT in this together....this pandemic has not affected us all the same and as in my last blog we are all rowing our own damn boats. While there have been many blessings to come out of the last year there have also been some very dark days. The hypocrisy in our country right now has my blood boiling. People who are making and enforcing restrictions are doing the very things they said "we" couldn't. There is definitely a very fine grey line so when all we do is say this is right this is wrong all that does is create hate, fear, and division. It has been hard living in Cali while watching other parts of the country continue life. You cannot go in any establishment without a mask on and that has been in effect since June so how are our numbers continuing to increase if masks are so effective? Bars, entertainment establishments, gyms (unless outside and with 10 percent occupancy), schools, and churches have been shuttered since March. I will do what I need to do to remain centered, emotionally, and physically for my family and I will be adamantly unapologetic for that. If everyone on social media was actually as concerned about the numbers of this virus or how deadly it is alleged to be they would NOT be sending their children to school, allowing them to partake in sports or extracurricular activities, sending them to camps, to play with neighbors or taking them anywhere. People wouldn't be gathering with people outside their homes, or traveling and instead would be shopping online for everything they need to survive while hunkering down in their homes and not going anywhere. I'm tired of people thinking others should be isolating themselves so they don't have to. I'm trying damn hard to be my best version but the hatred spewed constantly from everywhere is making it so damn challenging.
Today marks the end of our 3-week stay-at-home orders with a 10pm - 5am curfew. I am sure you can guess that has been extended. My nerves are extremely on edge. I don't know what is right, wrong, up, down, forward, or backward. I have very strong opinions about governor Newsoms #cancelEverything, covid, the election, and the hypocrites that are in charge. I also get a ton of backlash for those very opinions. We are NOT in this together, you and I are not going through this pandemic the same, it is not affecting your family like it is mine, and we are not living under the same mandates. Stop degrading people for doing what they need to in order to make it through another day. Just last week, desperate for something from "normal" life I got in my car drove to my youngest son's middle school proceeded through the empty drop off/pick up lane (all while said son was at home on Christmas break from virtual learning). As I was slowly driving the line I was thinking my child may not even step foot in that school ever again and things like that lay heavily on my heart. I concluded my morning at a local park for some natural vitamin D cardio just longing for some sort, (just a little inkling) of routine. As I was beginning my second lap around the park a car came out of nowhere and suddenly stopped in the middle of the road about 50 yards ahead of me. Suddenly I began thinking all kinds of horrible things, thinking I should stop turn around and go the other direction or hightail it across the soccer field. The car had an extremely dark tint so I have no idea who the driver was but it just sat there. As I slowly got closer to the car I began to scour my surroundings to find someone else who could be a witness if something bad were to go down. I had 911 dialed in and ready to hit send on my phone. My heart began to race and I picked up my pace, thinking maybe I shouldn't have worn a shirt that advertises the military, perhaps I shouldn't have gone on a walk by myself, and then I prayed and began to run like Forest Gump. I ended up sitting in my car not being able to move for several minutes as pent up anxiety and heaviness externalized itself. I desperately was trying to process why I would allow my mind to go to such a dark and scary place. Friends we are living in very scary times and in years before I never would have given a stopped car in the middle of the road a second thought. 2020 and isolation has created unknown feelings of panic, anxiety, and darkness that I am learning how to internally process so I will be very unapologetic for my raw and unedited emotions that sometimes are put out on social media.
Those who know me know that I find writing to be a great form of therapy and well free therapy I might think is a lot like winning an election that.......oh never mind I won't go there. I have written and deleted this blog several times over the last few months. Every time I write it I am extremely unnerved by what has been going on in our country this year. I crawl into bed at night feeling so beat down and exhausted both mentally and physically that I lay awake in conversation with God about things I have little to no control over and that I don't know how to internally process. Therefore I let its grip get the best of me. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, so much I want to say but don't and so much built-up frustration that my mind is like the energizer bunny on steroids, during what should be my sleeping and rejuvenating hours. I can't understand why I feel so worn down at the end of the business day because my life is so not hectic or chaotic and is typically spent at home. On a typical normal night pre-2020, I would worry about why I had to tell my kids five times to do their chores, and by the sixth time I probably shouldn't have said: "Put the shit away or I am going to burn it all!" Or if my kids did all their homework and are prepared for school tomorrow. My favorite thing to worry about is if my kid is going to tell me in five.....four.....three......two......one........."I need a poster board for a project that is due tomorrow." However, my top worry in this NOT "normal" life is EVERYTHING that I have no control over and it is an extremely intensified worry.
God blessed me with my husband and together we were blessed with three amazing sons. Those three human beings are our responsibility to grow, guide, and teach how to be respectful, loving, caring, and honorable hard-working men in society. What we have been witnessing over the last 10 months didn't just become an issue over the last 36 months. I believe all humanity has value, I stand with people of all races against racism, inequality, systemic problems, and most of all HATE. My husband and I also try hard to model this for our children. Yes, I am white, an American, a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and most importantly a child of God, and yes I happen to be a Trump supporter! Being a Trump supporter doesn't mean I agree with everything he does and says. However, I am and always will be very unapologetic for ALL of what makes me who I am, which is all of the above. I am a very empathetic person and a lot of times to my own fault. Those who have gotten to know me know that I have an extremely big heart. For any of you, that feel like any of the above makes me less of a quality human being feel free to walk away. The way I see it is that I try every day to live better than I did the day before, especially in my walk with the Lord. I am only human so I may say or do things that I will regret, but I get frustrated, upset, and confused as much as the next person. At the end of the day if you feel like you can't associate with me because of any of the things that I stand for or believe in that mentality is part of the problem. More than likely you haven't taken the time to get to know me nor do you know anything about what I have been through in my 4 decades of life, which means you shouldn't be judging me for what I stand for and why I do the things I do in life.
The air is extremely heavy and thick these days for people who are extremely empathetic. Take social media for instance. I joined social media in 2005 to keep in touch with family and friends that the military moved us away from. It was a way of keeping in touch with people that lived far away so they could see my boys growing up and share in our experiences all over the world. It also has given my children a platform to keep in contact with friends they have made that they have had to move away from. That very same platform is now a place filled with people spewing hate, derogatory commentary, hypocritical mumbo jumbo and bashing your voice if they don't agree with it. God forbid my values are different from someone else's. I've witnessed people who have been life long friends, relatives, and acquaintances become enemies because either party or both parties are so stubborn that they seem to think that they cannot associate themselves with people who do not "agree" with or have the same values or morals as they do. Someone will post something about how we need kindness and love and in the comment section call someone a derogatory name because they didn't agree with something they said. What happened to being able to embrace the things that make us different from one another? Having grown up conversations about those differences and being allowed to see how our differences can actually bring us closer together. R-E-S-P-E-C-T seems to be nothing more than a verse in a song these days. Please don't think that I haven't spewed my opinion or been rude and then regretted it. Like I said above this year has created an inner me that is not who I am and I want to totally leave that behind this year.
"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8
No two pieces of pottery are the same and that is what makes them unique just like each of us. I am a Christian woman, have been a believer all my life but didn't profess it until 2003 when I was 8 months pregnant with my middle son. I am not perfect, I have flaws, I am a sinner, I say things I shouldn't, make mistakes, BUT admit and learn from them all. If we don't recognize and admit our faults we can't grow and learn from them. I have never pushed my beliefs in God on anyone else, EVER. Yes, we take our children to church (well these days we are not allowed to go to church), and most of the time I am sure they are not listening to the sermons, but they know that we are a Christian family and as long as they are under our roof we expect them to go to church. Our children confessing their faith and becoming believers of God (or not) is up to them and only them, but it is something I pray about daily. This is not a decision I will make for them. I share my knowledge (or lack thereof) of my faith if ever asked, but I do not force it down people's throats. I hope that the life I am living speaks for itself. I don't bash people who do not believe in God, for that is their decision, not mine. I don't judge people who don't believe and I will not disassociate myself from non-believers. I will still have a love for you as a friend, family member, or acquaintance regardless. I have a very big heart for people in general. I am human and far from perfect, I don't expect anyone else to be either. I do however expect people to be respectful of my beliefs, morals, my ethnicity, and the person I am. Being a believer in Christ has gotten me through some very very hard times in life and for that I am thankful and a better person. Should I dare let myself go back to those moments in time and think what I would have done had I not had that belief system. Certainly don't think I would be where I am today, married to a man who loves and adores me more than anything in the world. And I certainly wouldn't be a mother of three amazing sons. I cannot even be certain that I would even be alive today to write this. God has been my constant in so many damaging and hard situations. If me being who I am, what I believe, and what I stand for doesn't fit in your realm of living it's your loss and I am unapologetic.
Besides being a Christian I am a WHITE FEMALE, and I will be very unapologetic y'all for the color of skin I was given by God, the day I was conceived. Surprisingly, I wasn't standing in line at conception begging to be born white. Other than being part Indian (hence the glowing brown skin in the summer) I really don't know much of my genealogy, and quite frankly I've never really been interested. We after all are trying to erase as much history as we can these days right? So does it really matter if I have ancestors that came from all over the world? Had hardships and struggles of their own? Were or were not somewhere along the line racists, slave owners, or even oppressed themselves? I am not a product of history, and my great-great-grandmother twice over sisters uncles brothers niece has nothing to do with Janea J Gilleo. My history began on November 12th, 1976. Not a day before that (okay well maybe 9 months before that but we don't need to go there). I was not taught to hate or to be a racist and I was taught that we all have blood that bleeds red, regardless of what makes us different. This is me and I refuse to apologize for the life I have lived, including the mistakes I have made, and the life I have worked damn hard to achieve. My heart beats the same way as everyone else's. I love people for who they are, regardless of their background, color of skin, beliefs, or anything else that makes us unique.
I have moved around my whole life....since I was a little tyke in diapers. Being a young girl moving from place to place and having to be the "new girl" more times than not I befriended people who were least like me. My upbringing is what made me who I am today. Janea a white female Christian American who lives and breaths empathy, love, respect, dignity, and compassion. It breaks my heart that I now am feeling the need to apologize for things that my ancestors did or did not do and for something I wasn't even alive for. I am not history, I have been on this earth for 44 years, so technically I have only been an active member of society for 25 years. So why do I feel so much guilt for things that have happened long before I had any ANY options to create or be a positive example? Do you know my story? Do you know what I have been through? Do you know the kinds of things I have witnessed, lived through, been a victim of, and was able to overcome in my 4 decades on this earth? I can speak for most of you that the answer would be NO. I have never claimed to be better than anyone. Sure we differ in skin color, backgrounds, history, but those are the very things that should be bringing us closer as humans not dividing us. We are all human and I believe we are created in His image. We are all born with hearts, brains, and mouths. We all have a unique story to tell, and we all can be a part of the change.
I have lived all over the world and been emersed in very diverse communities. I have also lived in places where I was a minority and felt way out of my comfort zone. I have lived in another country where communicating was a challenge and lived in a community that was so very different than my own culture. All of that has also helped me get to know people different than myself and build some of the most amazing life long bonds. It has given me the opportunity to see the world through many different lenses. My children have been moving around their whole lives as well and have been blessed to experience diversity in so many corners of the world. Some of their best friends have been people from different cultures, people of different skin colors, people of different ethnicities, and yet they have been some of the most profound relationships of their young lives. There is no denying that as a nation there is plenty of room for change, and there has been a need for change for decades. If you think that that change is going to come in the next four years with a different man taking office you may want to think again. Change is going to and needs to come from the 330,000 million households in America, not our government.
As the year that I don't care to have a keepsake of comes to a close, I am taking it upon myself to distance myself from social media platforms. I want my love as a human to exhume brighter than my views. I'll be going back to the simpler times of 2005 and only posting about family to family and friends. I am writing this blog with the hopes of being able to let go of the darkness that has crept into my heart and start the new year without the heaviness of what 2020 was for me. I will be focusing on my family and myself so that I can be there for them as we navigate many changes that are in store for us in the new year. Happy New Year and God Bless.
