Hanging Up His Helmet for Good

           This blog has been in the works for nearly a year now (there goes my hopes of being more "engaged" with my blogging) SIGH. As a new football season is underway and I am once again in the football stands on a weekly basis, a moms heart can't help but miss what isn't there anymore. My youngest and the baby of the family is now playing his fourth (nonconsecutive) year of football. While I am so grateful for still being an active "sports" mom, I know these days are quickly coming to a close, and definitely tugs on my #1fan heartstrings. Watching my sons play sports since the itty bitty age of 3, has been a huge part of my life. Busy days turning into rushed on the go evenings of sports activities, throwing dinner to the kids in the back of the mini van as we motored our way from one activity to the next. The younger years of my boys' lives often times seemed like a blur as I was constantly on the move, trying to be one person in three different places. It was amazing when all three kids were all in one practice location, often times my husband and I had to tag team giving each other high fives and a quick smooch as we saw each other in passing. My husband often felt the need for more of a challenge and insisted on coaching two and often times all three sons teams. Those are the days that seemed to end in exhaustion but were gone in the blink of an eye. You never truly know how much something will be missed, until it's no longer a part of life. 

            As parents of all boys it was natural that my husband and I would encourage sports at a very young age. Our lives revolved around WWE matches in the living room, dare devilish stunts off of the built-in bookshelves onto a pile of blankets and pillows, diving into swimming pools off the waterfalls at the age of 2, and bucking bronco (aka dad's back) contests to see who could stay on the longest. I am only going off of what I know, but boys are endless balls of energy, I swear they never tire and can pull all nighters with the best of the best frat boys before they are forming complete sentences, (the toddlers not the frat boys, well I guess that could be iffy too). Not much has changed through their teen and into their young adulthood years. I swear sometimes they are just shutting down as I am waking at 4:00 AM!!! As a way for the boys to exert some of that energy, they played two sports a year starting at the age of 3. Although this often meant that my husband and I were also making a huge commitment (time and money) and adding to our already busy and chaotic lives. They definitely needed and enjoyed that outlet. However, we felt that the benefits of sports were necessary for our rambunctious little ones and they far outweighed the sacrifices. Plus, if you have never watched your husband try to coach a team of 3 year olds on a baseball field, out in nature, the possibilities for a toddler to become distracted are endless and you're definitely missing out. Or perhaps coaching basketball on a court is a little more your style. At least the area of trying to keep them wrangled in is a little smaller. But the kids will still lose interest oh about 15 seconds after you start talking, and they will instantly insist on you watching their new found Globe Trotter skills of bouncing the ball off their head, instead of learning to dribble the ball correctly.  I believe my husbands saying was something along the lines of coaching being a lot like trying to herd wild cats. Let me just add that if you've never had the utmost pleasure of being a team mom (aka chaos coordinator) you're definitely NOT missing out. Okay I digress. There were so many reasons for putting our boys in sports at a young age and the biggest reason being that it was such a blessing in all of our military moves around the world. It allowed them to already be a part of something in a new town, school, and community before we even settled in. It gave them a sense of belonging when everything that they had known was suddenly ripped away and left behind. Sports was one thing they knew they always had no matter where the military took us and how far it separated them from friends and teammates. They would always have that bond. They would always have that one constant. While the faces of their teammates and coaches, the team names and even the dynamics changed, the foundation of being on a team was always solid, no matter where in the world they were asked to pick up and move to. Once they put the jerseys on it felt as if nothing had changed. 

            What they have learned from being a teammate is also essential to being an adult in the future. It taught them how to be a part of something bigger than themselves. It also taught them discipline, commitment, how to be a competitor, and how to grow to respect authority from their coaches. It taught them time management and yes sometimes giving up fun free time. Most of all it taught them that in competition you win some and you lose some. As hard as loosing is for a Gilleo, it made them work that much harder. Playing sports created a special bond between my boys. All three of the boys played baseball and basketball for many years. Sports gave them as brothers, something that brought them together, especially when it came to competing. If you know their father than you know what the word COMPETITION means in our household. Many one-on-one basketball games in the cul-de-sac have ended with body slams on the asphalt. I just knew we were one point, one block, one flagrant foul or one wrong eye roll away from going to the E.R. I may be a slight contributor to their insane level of competition when I refused to hand them a win with our many rounds of Chutes n Ladders and Candy Land. I wasn't going to "let" them win...so what if they were barely three years old. So I guess I can't place all the blame on my husband.  

                                 

                                                

            So all of that being said I knew eventually the day for the contents of this blog would come, but it came a bit sooner than I was prepared for by any means. The day the middle child called home from college in Kansas I knew from the tone of his voice the call was going to end with me hanging up the phone in a puddle of my own tears. But for a little backstory (yes I keep stalling on getting to the point.). In 2010 he played one season of flag football at the age of 7 during our stent in Missouri. After the end of that season we got notice that we would be PCSing to Italy. He didn't touch a football field again until the age of 10 in Arizona. We arrived in Arizona late summer so we missed the cutoff to tryout for the local AYF team so we signed him up for a local rec league. That season he worked his butt off but to no avail it was a losing season. 0-10. This was a very hard pill for a young competitive Gilleo to swallow. He met his adversity when he signed up for the AYF Marana Broncos team the following season. He was told that he would have to lose weight if he wanted to play on the team for his age. He worked his a$$ off and by the cutoff date he lost 27 pounds. There were many practices he felt like he was never going to make it, but he never gave up. He ate salads and fruit at school for lunch, and he made sure he ate a healthy portion of food at dinner. The restraint this must have taken a 10 year old who has always loved to eat and who always had food in his mouth, his willpower was astonishing. Needless to say his hard work and resilience contributed to the team having an undefeated season, going to nationals in FL and winning it all. That season of football sparked a passion and love for the game like no other. The athletes, coaches, and parents that were placed in our lives that season was all of God's doing. 

        

        The following year we PCS'd to Georgia where he played three years of undefeated football, two seasons for middle school and one season for high school. It wasn't until his sophomore season in California that he lost a game after coming off a four year winning streak. However, with each new move and new team to join he had to work 100 times harder to prove what he was offering to a new coaching staff that didn't know him at all. The starting over part proved to be daunting, but very rewarding once they saw him in action. Throughout all of his seasons of football he had some amazing coaches, mentors, and teammates. They all had a part in him continuing to have love and an undeniable passion for the game of football. 

    

         He played varsity for 3 years in California. His junior season even though it was more losses than wins was the best season. We were all looking forward to him and the team putting in some serious work over the off season so they could show up and show out his senior season. Just as spring season was getting underway the $hit hit the fan world wide. Two weeks to you know, turned into two months and then many more months. 10 months after what was supposed to be his senior season, they were able to throw together a joke of a season. It was an utter disappointment especially for those who were seniors and graduating. The injuries were at an all time high because of lack of practice and preparation, moral was down, some kids gave up hope on the season and quit all together,  and the coach was resigning his position. It was all a huge disappointment but he made the best of it, and we soaked it all in watching him in his element. They got to play six games and that was the end of that. Had we known that his Junior year was going to be his last "REAL" season on a high school football field we would have reveled in every minute of it, even more so than we did.  

            In February 2021 he committed to Benedictine College in Kansas to play football at the NAIA level. After our move to Texas last summer, we drove him to college in August. This was following his several weeks bout with the KO vid crud. He wasn't completely back to himself when we released him into the wild, not to mention he was coming off of a year and a half distance learning and jumping right into the pressures of real life college. In addition to nerves and everything else that goes along with moving 800 miles away from family and becoming a college student, his recovery process was extremely slow and frustrating. He just couldn't seem to get back to feeling 100% healthy. He was out two weeks to recover even after testing negative for KO vid. He just seemed from that point to be losing his passion and love for the game. He was finally able to start practicing and even got to play a few games, but he was not feeling excited about it. His grades began to decline and he started waking each morning with extreme stomach aches, extreme stress and anxiety. This turned into visits to the doctors and eventually the decision to stop playing football and come back home after the end of the semester. 

            At the end of that dreaded call I was staring at my phone soaking in a pool of my pity tears, and I couldn't help but think what could I have done differently as his mother? This was hard news for Clark and I to hear, but ultimately it was  his decision and one that he would have to live with. After all his life is where HE takes it.  We did our jobs to equip him with the tools to make hard decisions like that so we can't be hard on ourselves. Fortunately he is very content with the decision and after sitting down with him and talking through his decision process we understand the amount of thought and consideration he had put into the very tough decision. Ultimately it came down to his health, and the long term affects of the damage he was putting on his body both physically and mentally at his age. He knew that football was only temporary and that it was eventually going to end, so he felt it wasn't worth it to continue to put his body, health and mental state through the ringer for three more years and not have anything but physical damage and $100,000 debt to show for it. Just didn't make sense to him. How can we deny his decision?

            As much as Clark and I loved watching him play something that he once had such a love and passion for we could only whole heartedly support his decision, and if that meant ending football and moving back home we were going to be here to support him. Shortly after he made this decision, and I was having a hard time getting my emotions in check, thinking somehow I failed him, I was scrolling through FB and came across a friends post about one of their friends. This particular friends son had mentioned to my friend that he wanted to attend college close to home so he can be with family. To which my friend stated "you know they must have an amazing home life." There is no other explanation for that post being on my feed at the very moment of my doubting my job as a mother then God wanting me to read those words. After reading the post a couple of times I was more at peace with my child's  decision and excited that he would be back home to have closer a little bit longer. I never want to be a parent that stops their (adult) kids from pursuing their dreams because I don't want them to move away or be in different parts of the world. The world is an amazing place and I want them to venture out in it and experience it (more than they already have). Besides I want to have an excuse to travel, and the hubby can't deny me from going to visit my kids! :) For now he's staying in Texas but we never know where life will take him. 

            Fast forward to present day. He has changed his major a couple times since he started college, and well I can't really expect an 18 year old to have their life destination all laid out in concrete. God knows I didn't. If I have learned anything from the military it is that nothing is ever absolute. He started college here in the Woodlands in January and thanks to the Hazelwood Act and his dad joining active duty in the GREAT STATE OF TEXAS he is able to attend ANY STATE college for FREE. No he's not getting a Biden bail out. Texas loves its military members and veterans. A big perk of being a military  brat in Texas and having a dad who served 30 years in the military. So he will come out of college in four years completely debt free. Bonus number one of his decision. Since he has come home he has taken his health extremely serious and wanted to get down to a healthy weight and lose all his "football lineman" weight. Kick his bad eating habits to the curb to take care of his body physically and mentally. No easy feat for someone who was "off" the weight charts for most of his life. He has lost 100 pounds since the beginning of the year. He no longer has stomach issues that were causing him so much stress, anxiety and pain. Bonus number two. He is now employed and earning his own paychecks, and succeeding in classes for his current major in Physical Education. Bonus number 3. He has had to make some damn hard life decisions in his early adulthood years. I commend him for not listening to social norms and doing what he wants and needs to do for himself. Sometimes as a parent we want to steer and guide and sometimes take over the driving of their lives, because we THINK we know what's best for them. However when we step back and allow them to make the tough decisions and navigate life on their own we can be amazed. Enough so that when life seems to be trying to drown them they just stop fighting the current and allow it to take them where they need to be. I have no doubt that he will find his way in life and in turn have an impact on many young lives like his mentors did his. 

         The day we dropped him off at college in August 2020, he weighed 320 pounds. 

                                              

          To August 2022 he weighs 220!

                                              

                                            

        "Some journeys take us far from home. Some adventures lead us to our destiny." -C.S. Lewis

 

                                              

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The Middle Child Has Left the Building

"But for those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31

        To our dearest gentle giant! Ever since the day that you made your grand appearance into this world your dad and I joked about the day that you would be 18 and we could boot you out into the wild. That clearly was the round the clock feedings, sleep deprivation and energy zapped nonsense talking. It has been a heavy and emotionally draining, but joyful week. I have tried to hold my breath many times as to perhaps make time stand still this last week of having you home. Just wanting to have you home for one more day, a couple more weeks or several more months. As we prepared to drive you cross country to drop you off at college I couldn't explain the mixture of emotions I was having. Basically I was full steam ahead on the Hot Mess Express. Probably showed just how much of a mess I was when we had to reroute 7 times going through Dallas. I'm sure you were praying for Jesus to take the wheel. 😆 A simple text from a friend asking what day you where leaving had me scrambling for something to wipe my tears. Last week as your dad and I made a trip to the grocery store, our stomaches fell to the pits of our knees thinking we didn't need to "stock" up on food for the moose. We left the store in a somber daze even though your dad has been waiting for the day his wallet would get a little heavier. However, that weight comes with a little absence in our home. Okay okay we may not have been as prepared for your flying of the coop as we thought we were all this time. I miss you. Not just the Mason you are now that is 700 miles and three states away. I miss the baby I would hold in my arms and who would eat around the clock. I miss the little toddler that would run around in his superhero undies and cape and the sound of the pitter patter of your tiny feet across the kitchen floor. I miss the the crazy whit of the five year old who would make my belly hurt from laughing. 

           All that missing you was bound to rear its head so, I am sorry not sorry for the waterworks malfunction as we said our "see ya laters." You know I tried hard not to be "that mother." At least family weekend isn't until October so by then everyone will have forgotten about the psycho sobbing mother who had to be escorted off campus by security. 😂 Just kidding I did contain myself quite well. It was the drive to the hotel and the drive home the next day that I had no containment. Just driving by a field of cows made me flash back to 2007 when we had just moved to Missouri and we were making the long trek from the base to Blue Springs to take Kaleb to school and we passed a field of buffalo. In true "cool mom" fashion I belted out "look kids, look at the buffalo." Your response in true 4 year old Mason fashion blurted out "are they the ones with wings?" Perhaps we like Buffalo Wild Wings a little to much. Cue tears here. I digress 

        With your senior year or what was "called" your senior year, in the rearview mirror, your future is right in front of you and it is super duper bright. 

           It doesn't seem real that we just drove you 700 miles away and left you to adult on your own. Not our little chunky monkey who loved to make us laugh at his silliness while he pushed the dare devil limits. Your toddler days seem like yesterday, when you would sneak off to a room to be left to your own entertainment. We wouldn't hear a peep out of you for the longest time and when we checked on you, there you were playing GI JOES, doing puzzles, playing with blocks or riding the horse and saying "yeehaw ride em cowboy!" Even though I was blessed to stay home and never miss a precious moment, it doesn't seem right that your days of adulting are upon us. It's not fair, I want more time of having you at home, under my roof, safe and secure. No one tells you that the hardest thing about parenting is when your damn kids grow up. There is nothing that can prepare a parent for the time that your job as "parent" at home is done and now we have to transition to a whole different aspect of "parenting." Your dad and I promise to let you navigate this on your own....without texting 500 times a day, but just know that if you ignore us for more than 24 hours your crazy mother may just show up unannounced. HAHA In seriousness we hope that we did our job, maybe not always the best but we pray that we equipped you with the tools you need to be successful. We are grateful God blessed us with the last 18 years of having you under our wings, and now He is entrusting us to let you soar. 

                                                                       

            That being said we are releasing you into a world that we don't recognize and it quite frankly scares the shit out of me. But one bright silver lining of this craziness, is that we were able to have you home to witness how you would navigate all the unknowns. You probably don't even know it but having you home every day for the last 20 months we watched you overcome situations that teenagers have never had to imagine facing. You were dealt a pretty crappy hand your last year of high school, but you never once let that take your focus off of what was still ahead for you in life. Mason you have taught me so much about how to face adversity and the things that you have no control over. Life isn't always fair but to that you give it the middle finger and say okay well watch this. I wish I could be more like you when it comes to moving past the things we can't control or the things that seem so ass backwards. You have a solid foundation of God and with that comes the knowledge that He is in control and whatever path He has carved out for you already, that you are going to be thankful for whatever and wherever it takes you. As you are quickly learning these first few days on your own, that it doesn't always work out as planned. Adapt and overcome, live and learn, and dust yourself off and get back up onto your horse. Because tomorrow is a new day!

         700 miles doesn't seem too far away, but in the grand scheme of things it seems like worlds away. We have been such a huge part of your growing up, at every one of your practices, games, and events. There for all your milestones, accomplishments, stumbles, challenges, lessons learned and everything in between. Your dad coaching many of your teams from the time you were three to the time you hit middle school. Now we are entrusting you to do so many things all on your own. As parents we get to prepare for this day throughout your childhood, through reluctantly releasing you to sleepovers, overnight camps, first day of kindergarten, and letting you drive on your own. However, nothing really can prepare us for the mother load of having to let go as you depart for college. The dreaded but joyous moment that you get ever so comfortable living on your own and OUR home becomes a place that you now visit and no longer the place you reside. Even though you say you want to live with us forever. 😊 The last 18 years seemed to have flashed before our very eyes and now reality is knocking on our front door. It's now time to move onto bigger and better things, to begin your life as an adult, and to see where the future takes you.  

           You are a pretty awesome kid Mason and we beam with pride being able to call you our son. You make us so proud. We have no doubt that whatever life throws at you, that you will take it in stride and not let it slow you down. You know that nothing comes without hard work and sometimes we are at a disadvantage and that means work harder. We are proud of you and your bravery and courage of venturing far away out into the world as a barely 18 year old to be you and do your thing. We love you kid!!!

 💙💙💙Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters."

 

                                                                               

                                                                      

    💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 ~ 💙 

Changing the Mission

I suppose deep down I always knew this day would come. I envisioned this day, feared this day, I hoped for this day, and I never wanted this day to come. However, none of that makes me any more prepared FOR this day. For the last twenty-six years (all of my dating/married life) this day has felt so far away...and then all of a sudden just like that it isn't, and we are staring it right in the face. The military and serving are all Clark and I have known all our adult lives, and it is all our children have known. I hear there is a saying that when you know, you just know. I guess he knows. After all, you don't want to stick around so long that you are no longer valuable, so long that you begin to hate the job, so long that there is no more passion, and so long that you wore out your welcome a LONG time ago. You want to stay long enough to say I'm going out knowing it was a damn good ride, I made a difference and I loved every minute (okay maybe not EVERY minute) but that I still enjoyed being an Airman. You have been beyond prepared sweet husband of mine for this day (wish I could say the same) but since the day you joined the military you have always been looking towards the future, the next step, the next chapter, the next mission. You have prepared yourself well for the rest of your life post-military. As your number one fan, I couldn't be more proud of all your accomplishments, hard work, and dedication to everything you have done as you worked your way to the top 1 percent.

 

As I watched you put on your uniform a couple of weeks ago, the same way you have every day for nearly three decades, I saw a difference in you. Not a happier you, not a sadder you, but an extremely peaceful you. A man on a different mission. Yes, we had been talking a lot about post-military jobs, moves, and what's next, but I was deciding to push that to the back of my mind thinking it was still going to be a couple years away. Then as I kissed you good-bye and squeezed you tight as you left for work I just knew you would be coming home with a very different vision for our future. When you came home I knew that you were at peace with your decision because you had trusted your gut and the guidance of God. You didn't reach out to friends, family, or fellow wingmen for confirmation that you were making the right move. You just knew, you felt it and you took the leap. The very big leap of faith and you are completely at peace, and ready to start the rest of your life.  

As I sit here and reflect not really sure how this day is upon us, I can't help but be thankful for the life that the military afforded us. Starting out in our lil house on wheels (aka trailer) I never could have envisioned the road that the military was about to take us on. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. (Anyone who hasn't had the pleasure of hearing the iron story) that would be one of the worst of times.....and a story that we look back on now and laugh about, but it shows the rawness of challenges along the way. There were struggles, there was laughter, there was fear and there were tears.....lots and lots of tears. We traveled the world, met some of the most amazing people that have become family, and made so many wonderful memories. The military helped us grow in our marriage, in our family, and in our hopes and dreams for the future. The very future that is now upon us. 

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As one of your biggest cheerleaders, I love that you have never been afraid of trying something new, jumping into a new position, or changing paths in the military. The Air Force didn't make you a career Airman, it allowed you to dabble in so many different areas that broadened your skills and knowledge. That is going to be so beneficial to civilian life. It allowed you to be very passionate about so many different things and one of those things was being the best you that you could offer in whatever job you were in. I know many of you are saying how is 30 years, NOT a career? A career in the sense that you got comfortable in a job and stayed there for 30 years. Clark, you weren't afraid to branch out and see all that the Air Force had to offer. Whether it was assisting in building schools in poverty-stricken countries with the Red Horse Guard unit, teaching recruits as an MTI (Military Training Instructor) the oath and what it means to be an Airman, or going out and recruiting the next generation of men and women as a recruiter for the Air Force Reserves. The very generation that would be taking your place one day to lead and train younger generations to serve in the greatest branch of the military. Whatever hat you wore, the job you worked, or the task you accomplished you always found love and grew a passion for it, and for those around you. You created the best version of yourself in every position.

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I have no doubt there is much more you could accomplish as a Chief in not only recruiting but in the Air Force in general, but I just knew that as I watched you that day that there was nothing that was going to stop you from taking that risk. As you have always said the military will come to an end for you one day so you can't deny the inevitable. And when there are several opportunities that are placed in your lap you can't ignore them. After all missed opportunities are often times some of life's biggest regrets! When the door you were waiting for to open remains closed a little too long, is stalled, or locked shut but you notice other doors opening, you can't ignore the other doors. As you often say everything happens for a reason. You are you and no matter what you do for the rest of your life, I have no doubt that you will continue to make an impact. 

As your military days are now numbered, and as we prepare for the next journey, I support your decision with a full heart and no regrets. I am beyond blessed and grateful that the military gave us such an amazingly memorable 30 years and allowed me to stay home and raise our boys. 

Although you won't be hanging up the uniform for good just yet, and the mission may look a little different you are still going to be able to be very influential to a different generation. You'll be able to mentor and train teenagers in the JROTC program, although I think you're a little crazy for wanting to step into that line of fire, I know damn sure you will love it and find a deep passion for the possible future generation of leaders. I am dang proud of you babe, and thank you for having me by your side for a damn great ride! Congratulations on your retirement!!!

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The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does! 

 

Unapologetic

   

*****Disclaimer and it seems asinine that I even have to defend the way I feel but I will be unapologetic for what is to follow in this blog. While I am normally a very optimistic person who finds good in any situation this year has been quite the exception. It has shown me a side of someone I do not want to be going forward. Therefore I am going to try damn hard to leave my anxiety, hurt, anger, and less than desirable outlook on 2020 in 2020. While I have had many blessings this year it doesn't go without saying I have cried many tears, had many built-up frustrations turn into explosions, that ended with me sheltering in the depths of my closet. This year has been seriously a hidden danger far worse than the virus itself. That being said I know Covid is real, I know people are dying, I know it's causing strain on front-line workers, and it breaks my heart for all the families that have lost loved ones. I am NOT INSENSITIVE to any of that, but I am human and I am damn tired of living a year in the midst of everyone's hypocrisy. If you don't know me as a person and know my heart in life then feel free to move along. For those of you that have a genuine love for me and my family, I thank you. 

           There is much hiding behind the smile in the above picture. Sure if you were to ask me how I am doing most likely my response will be I am doing well. After all, how many people really listen to the answer, and more so how many really would stop to think about how to respond if the answer was I am not okay? To be quite honest the weight of the world has increased ten-fold since my last blog. I have experienced bouts of extreme anxiety for the first time in my life this year. What you see in the picture above is not the same image of what lies heavily on my heart and mind daily. I am and will be very honest, I am not ashamed to admit that this year has been hard as f***, and the things that I do in order to make it through each and every day I will be extremely unapologetic for. Taking care of me, in order to be able to take care of my family is much bigger than worrying about if I offended someone by not wearing a mask walking through the open air in the parking lot, or because I take my mask off while at the gym where we are outside and distanced, voicing my frustrations of being treated like a 44-year-old child who needs big government to tell me when and what I can do outside my own home, or what time I need to be back inside my home. I need to worry about myself because my family depends on me, and I don't have time to worry about if I offended you with a FB post that has a different view than you do. I am not insensitive or heartless when I decide not to wear a mask outdoors when social distancing is practiced. All the data and science is quite contradicting, and let's face it science is not 100%, and this virus is to new for even the most prestigious to know exactly what will and what won't help. Listen here we have been in lockdown mode for 10 months now and we are worse off now than we were in March. Something isn't working. Three weeks to slow the spread has turned into more lockdowns, more restrictions, and more hate as we are now entering week 43 of the initial 3 weeks. It was extremely hard for my senior to watch practically the rest of the country continue living life. Going to school and participating in their senior year of football, meeting up with friends making senior memories while we continue to be told to stay home. My children can't go to school or play sports or gather with their friends at a local park. People say it's all about perspective, but I have to disagree. What would your perspective look like in my shoes? We are all living this differently and it is doesn't affect us all the same. I am or was prior to this year a person who looks for the silver lining in everything. The reason for the season and that God puts us where we need to be. However, something has grabbed a hold of my heart this year and caused me to be less than optimistic. I know a huge part of it is the fact that we have been stripped from being able to gather with fellow believers and worship. I need that time for self rejuvenation and to keep me grounded in my beliefs. 

        We are NOT in this together....this pandemic has not affected us all the same and as in my last blog we are all rowing our own damn boats. While there have been many blessings to come out of the last year there have also been some very dark days. The hypocrisy in our country right now has my blood boiling. People who are making and enforcing restrictions are doing the very things they said "we" couldn't. There is definitely a very fine grey line so when all we do is say this is right this is wrong all that does is create hate, fear, and division. It has been hard living in Cali while watching other parts of the country continue life. You cannot go in any establishment without a mask on and that has been in effect since June so how are our numbers continuing to increase if masks are so effective? Bars, entertainment establishments, gyms (unless outside and with 10 percent occupancy), schools, and churches have been shuttered since March. I will do what I need to do to remain centered, emotionally, and physically for my family and I will be adamantly unapologetic for that. If everyone on social media was actually as concerned about the numbers of this virus or how deadly it is alleged to be they would NOT be sending their children to school, allowing them to partake in sports or extracurricular activities, sending them to camps, to play with neighbors or taking them anywhere. People wouldn't be gathering with people outside their homes, or traveling and instead would be shopping online for everything they need to survive while hunkering down in their homes and not going anywhere. I'm tired of people thinking others should be isolating themselves so they don't have to. I'm trying damn hard to be my best version but the hatred spewed constantly from everywhere is making it so damn challenging. 

       

             Today marks the end of our 3-week stay-at-home orders with a 10pm - 5am curfew.  I am sure you can guess that has been extended. My nerves are extremely on edge. I don't know what is right, wrong, up, down, forward, or backward. I have very strong opinions about governor Newsoms #cancelEverything, covid, the election, and the hypocrites that are in charge. I also get a ton of backlash for those very opinions. We are NOT in this together, you and I are not going through this pandemic the same, it is not affecting your family like it is mine, and we are not living under the same mandates. Stop degrading people for doing what they need to in order to make it through another day. Just last week, desperate for something from "normal" life I got in my car drove to my youngest son's middle school proceeded through the empty drop off/pick up lane (all while said son was at home on Christmas break from virtual learning). As I was slowly driving the line I was thinking my child may not even step foot in that school ever again and things like that lay heavily on my heart. I concluded my morning at a local park for some natural vitamin D cardio just longing for some sort, (just a little inkling) of routine. As I was beginning my second lap around the park a car came out of nowhere and suddenly stopped in the middle of the road about 50 yards ahead of me. Suddenly I began thinking all kinds of horrible things, thinking I should stop turn around and go the other direction or hightail it across the soccer field. The car had an extremely dark tint so I have no idea who the driver was but it just sat there. As I slowly got closer to the car I began to scour my surroundings to find someone else who could be a witness if something bad were to go down. I had 911 dialed in and ready to hit send on my phone. My heart began to race and I picked up my pace, thinking maybe I shouldn't have worn a shirt that advertises the military, perhaps I shouldn't have gone on a walk by myself, and then I prayed and began to run like Forest Gump. I ended up sitting in my car not being able to move for several minutes as pent up anxiety and heaviness externalized itself. I desperately was trying to process why I would allow my mind to go to such a dark and scary place. Friends we are living in very scary times and in years before I never would have given a stopped car in the middle of the road a second thought. 2020 and isolation has created unknown feelings of panic, anxiety, and darkness that I am learning how to internally process so I will be very unapologetic for my raw and unedited emotions that sometimes are put out on social media. 

             Those who know me know that I find writing to be a great form of therapy and well free therapy I might think is a lot like winning an election that.......oh never mind I won't go there. I have written and deleted this blog several times over the last few months. Every time I write it I am extremely unnerved by what has been going on in our country this year. I crawl into bed at night feeling so beat down and exhausted both mentally and physically that I lay awake in conversation with God about things I have little to no control over and that I don't know how to internally process. Therefore I let its grip get the best of me. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, so much I want to say but don't and so much built-up frustration that my mind is like the energizer bunny on steroids, during what should be my sleeping and rejuvenating hours.  I can't understand why I feel so worn down at the end of the business day because my life is so not hectic or chaotic and is typically spent at home. On a typical normal night pre-2020, I would worry about why I had to tell my kids five times to do their chores, and by the sixth time I probably shouldn't have said: "Put the shit away or I am going to burn it all!" Or if my kids did all their homework and are prepared for school tomorrow. My favorite thing to worry about is if my kid is going to tell me in five.....four.....three......two......one........."I need a poster board for a project that is due tomorrow." However, my top worry in this NOT "normal" life is EVERYTHING that I have no control over and it is an extremely intensified worry.

                I am through and through a very introverted person, and that's an attribute that I grew up loathing. Never wanting to disappoint people, always wanting to make things better for others, I hate controversy, and well quite frankly often standing down instead of standing up for myself. People often view my shyness or my being extremely reserved as a sign of being stuck up, conceited and even weak. However, in my adult years, I have come to know just what a blessing this attribute is to me. A huge part of being an introvert is being a listener and observer. Qualities I am so very thankful for these days. In a world full of lions "hear me roar" I am quietly listening and observing, not feeling the need to add to the noise. But I have no solid solutions for fixing the things that my kids are missing out on this year and it breaks my heart dearly.  

          God blessed me with my husband and together we were blessed with three amazing sons. Those three human beings are our responsibility to grow, guide, and teach how to be respectful, loving, caring, and honorable hard-working men in society. What we have been witnessing over the last 10 months didn't just become an issue over the last 36 months. I believe all humanity has value, I stand with people of all races against racism, inequality, systemic problems, and most of all HATE. My husband and I also try hard to model this for our children. Yes, I am white, an American, a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and most importantly a child of God, and yes I happen to be a Trump supporter! Being a Trump supporter doesn't mean I agree with everything he does and says. However, I am and always will be very unapologetic for ALL of what makes me who I am, which is all of the above. I am a very empathetic person and a lot of times to my own fault. Those who have gotten to know me know that I have an extremely big heart. For any of you, that feel like any of the above makes me less of a quality human being feel free to walk away. The way I see it is that I try every day to live better than I did the day before, especially in my walk with the Lord. I am only human so I may say or do things that I will regret, but I get frustrated, upset, and confused as much as the next person. At the end of the day if you feel like you can't associate with me because of any of the things that I stand for or believe in that mentality is part of the problem. More than likely you haven't taken the time to get to know me nor do you know anything about what I have been through in my 4 decades of life, which means you shouldn't be judging me for what I stand for and why I do the things I do in life. 

         The air is extremely heavy and thick these days for people who are extremely empathetic. Take social media for instance. I joined social media in 2005 to keep in touch with family and friends that the military moved us away from. It was a way of keeping in touch with people that lived far away so they could see my boys growing up and share in our experiences all over the world. It also has given my children a platform to keep in contact with friends they have made that they have had to move away from. That very same platform is now a place filled with people spewing hate, derogatory commentary, hypocritical mumbo jumbo and bashing your voice if they don't agree with it. God forbid my values are different from someone else's. I've witnessed people who have been life long friends, relatives, and acquaintances become enemies because either party or both parties are so stubborn that they seem to think that they cannot associate themselves with people who do not "agree" with or have the same values or morals as they do. Someone will post something about how we need kindness and love and in the comment section call someone a derogatory name because they didn't agree with something they said. What happened to being able to embrace the things that make us different from one another? Having grown up conversations about those differences and being allowed to see how our differences can actually bring us closer together. R-E-S-P-E-C-T seems to be nothing more than a verse in a song these days. Please don't think that I haven't spewed my opinion or been rude and then regretted it. Like I said above this year has created an inner me that is not who I am and I want to totally leave that behind this year. 

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

            No two pieces of pottery are the same and that is what makes them unique just like each of us. I am a Christian woman, have been a believer all my life but didn't profess it until 2003 when I was 8 months pregnant with my middle son. I am not perfect, I have flaws, I am a sinner, I say things I shouldn't, make mistakes, BUT admit and learn from them all. If we don't recognize and admit our faults we can't grow and learn from them. I have never pushed my beliefs in God on anyone else, EVER. Yes, we take our children to church (well these days we are not allowed to go to church), and most of the time I am sure they are not listening to the sermons, but they know that we are a Christian family and as long as they are under our roof we expect them to go to church. Our children confessing their faith and becoming believers of God (or not) is up to them and only them, but it is something I pray about daily. This is not a decision I will make for them. I share my knowledge (or lack thereof) of my faith if ever asked, but I do not force it down people's throats. I hope that the life I am living speaks for itself. I don't bash people who do not believe in God, for that is their decision, not mine. I don't judge people who don't believe and I will not disassociate myself from non-believers. I will still have a love for you as a friend, family member, or acquaintance regardless. I have a very big heart for people in general. I am human and far from perfect, I don't expect anyone else to be either. I do however expect people to be respectful of my beliefs, morals, my ethnicity, and the person I am. Being a believer in Christ has gotten me through some very very hard times in life and for that I am thankful and a better person. Should I dare let myself go back to those moments in time and think what I would have done had I not had that belief system. Certainly don't think I would be where I am today, married to a man who loves and adores me more than anything in the world. And I certainly wouldn't be a mother of three amazing sons. I cannot even be certain that I would even be alive today to write this. God has been my constant in so many damaging and hard situations. If me being who I am, what I believe, and what I stand for doesn't fit in your realm of living it's your loss and I am unapologetic. 

        

            Besides being a Christian I am a WHITE FEMALE, and I will be very unapologetic y'all for the color of skin I was given by God, the day I was conceived. Surprisingly, I wasn't standing in line at conception begging to be born white. Other than being part Indian (hence the glowing brown skin in the summer) I really don't know much of my genealogy, and quite frankly I've never really been interested. We after all are trying to erase as much history as we can these days right? So does it really matter if I have ancestors that came from all over the world? Had hardships and struggles of their own? Were or were not somewhere along the line racists, slave owners, or even oppressed themselves? I am not a product of history, and my great-great-grandmother twice over sisters uncles brothers niece has nothing to do with Janea J Gilleo. My history began on November 12th, 1976. Not a day before that (okay well maybe 9 months before that but we don't need to go there). I was not taught to hate or to be a racist and I was taught that we all have blood that bleeds red, regardless of what makes us different. This is me and I refuse to apologize for the life I have lived, including the mistakes I have made, and the life I have worked damn hard to achieve. My heart beats the same way as everyone else's. I love people for who they are, regardless of their background, color of skin, beliefs, or anything else that makes us unique. 

            I have moved around my whole life....since I was a little tyke in diapers. Being a young girl moving from place to place and having to be the "new girl" more times than not I befriended people who were least like me. My upbringing is what made me who I am today. Janea a white female Christian American who lives and breaths empathy, love, respect, dignity, and compassion. It breaks my heart that I now am feeling the need to apologize for things that my ancestors did or did not do and for something I wasn't even alive for. I am not history, I have been on this earth for 44 years, so technically I have only been an active member of society for 25 years. So why do I feel so much guilt for things that have happened long before I had any ANY options to create or be a positive example? Do you know my story? Do you know what I have been through? Do you know the kinds of things I have witnessed, lived through, been a victim of, and was able to overcome in my 4 decades on this earth? I can speak for most of you that the answer would be NO. I have never claimed to be better than anyone. Sure we differ in skin color, backgrounds, history, but those are the very things that should be bringing us closer as humans not dividing us. We are all human and I believe we are created in His image. We are all born with hearts, brains, and mouths. We all have a unique story to tell, and we all can be a part of the change.  

             I have lived all over the world and been emersed in very diverse communities. I have also lived in places where I was a minority and felt way out of my comfort zone. I have lived in another country where communicating was a challenge and lived in a community that was so very different than my own culture. All of that has also helped me get to know people different than myself and build some of the most amazing life long bonds.  It has given me the opportunity to see the world through many different lenses. My children have been moving around their whole lives as well and have been blessed to experience diversity in so many corners of the world. Some of their best friends have been people from different cultures, people of different skin colors, people of different ethnicities, and yet they have been some of the most profound relationships of their young lives. There is no denying that as a nation there is plenty of room for change, and there has been a need for change for decades. If you think that that change is going to come in the next four years with a different man taking office you may want to think again. Change is going to and needs to come from the 330,000 million households in America, not our government. 

            As the year that I don't care to have a keepsake of comes to a close, I am taking it upon myself to distance myself from social media platforms. I want my love as a human to exhume brighter than my views. I'll be going back to the simpler times of 2005 and only posting about family to family and friends. I am writing this blog with the hopes of being able to let go of the darkness that has crept into my heart and start the new year without the heaviness of what 2020 was for me. I will be focusing on my family and myself so that I can be there for them as we navigate many changes that are in store for us in the new year. Happy New Year and God Bless.

The Weight is Heavy AF Y’all

          I didn't realize just how heavy my heart has been until this morning while my husband and I were on our daily walk and I was deep in thoughts that seem to overcome me often these days. Suddenly breaking my deep thoughts I hear my husband ask "so how are you doing babe?" Odd question since we have been joined at the hip for the last 60 days practically round the clock. Guess he could tell something was laying heavy on my heart. I try to muster up an encouraging and believable "good, I suppose." Then as my eyes started to well with tears, I realized I am exhausted and the weight is so damn heavy right now. Today is the 2 month mark of quarantine, lockdown, safer at home, (whatever you want to call it so it that it is pc), and this girl just realized how physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted she is, and the reasons are so far off from what would normally put me in such a state of being.

 

         Hear me out before you jump to conclusions, roll your eyes, and wonder how I could possibly be in such a state right now. I am not a nurse or essential worker on the front lines. I am living a dream vacation right now being able to stay at home (which is what I do on a normal basis), having less hectic lives, being able to spend much more quality time with my husband and children. Right? Not to mention we are fortunate to do this all while still collecting a paycheck, and rolling in extra money from the government. How could I be tired?  First of all I am human and allowed to have emotionally, physically, and mentally draining days and be able to be honest about them. When this Coronavirus....Covid-19.....pandemic began and we were ordered to "stay at home" I was the first one to say no problem, I got this! I am an introvert through and through, so I find my peace and comfort in my own home. A homebody none the less. I didn't see my life personally being largely affected. In fact in 60 days I have stepped foot inside a store only TWICE. My children have not stepped foot in any place since the 14th of March. However, as things start getting more and more restrictive and more and more demands start being thrown on us to S T O P living life the only way we have known how to, I'm suddenly starting to feel more and more anxious and the four walls of my place of peace are slowly starting to close in on me. Day by day new demands are being asked of us, the stay at home orders being pushed out more and more days, weeks and now months, new things are being stripped from us and everyday begins to feel the same monotonous routine with no escape. Then we are hit with the news that kids would not be returning to physical school buildings for the remainder of the school year and that distance learning was in the works to finish out the year and possibly continue for the next school year. Y'all in 2010 I changed my major from education to business for a reason. I was not destined to be a teacher, I don't know how to be a teacher, and I don't want to be a teacher. I had kids so I could be their mother not their school teacher. Teachers are special people who have love and a passion for teaching, teaching needs to be left to the professionals and "teaching" my friends is not anywhere on my masters diploma.

 

 

          Everyday the death toll rises, over night hundreds of new cases are being counted. Are these numbers accurate? Real? Where was all this daily data when other viruses killed hundreds of thousands of people? The news is bleak, depressing and negative. Then comes the information that more and more Americans are being directed to work from home, my husband being one of them. My 2500 square foot cozy home is beginning to feel a lot like a Manhattan 500 square foot studio for a family of 5. I'm slowly beginning to feel very constricted in my place of sanctity, the place where once the kids are off to school and the husband off to work I find my rejuvenation. Anyone who is or knows an introvert knows that solitude is crucial to our health and happiness. It's how we recharge in order to not get overwhelmed by the weight of the world. Now, I find myself forced into the dark depths of my closet, sneaking off to the backyard, or hiding in my car parked in the garage just to find some peace and quiet.

 

 

          In addition to all that, I am being bombarded by news updates by the minute. News that is sad, news that is ominous, news that is fake, news that is one sided, news that's wrong/right maybe right maybe wrong, news that is grim and news that is gut wrenching. I don't even know what real reliable information is anymore, the hearsay, the contradictions, the division, the hate and the down right negativity is unnerving. What do I believe? What do I listen to, and not listen to? How do I know that I am keeping me and my family safe yet still trying to maintain some sort of normalcy? Not creating a life of fear and not causing undo anxiety. How does my husband make sure his team is staying safe while still doing the jobs they are being asked to do? Is he making the right choices? Surly being an empathetic human overrides your position of being a boss? Is there balance to be found? The weight is undeniably heavy. I'm by nature a nurturer and I try to fix things the best I can.....I can't fix this.

 

           I'm tired y'all, tired of going to bed at night with the weight of the current situation raging in my head and laying heavy on my heart. Tired of putting on a brave front when things are weighing so heavy. These are very uncharted waters and something we have never had to navigate before. I end my days finally falling asleep praying that the new day as the sun rises good news will be heard. For the last 60 days I have not had one thing scheduled on the calendar, nothing in the immediate or distant future to be looking forward to. Right now we would be planning 3 birthday celebrations, an anniversary date, attending football camps, Friday night games, and all the end of school year activities and bashes.

 

 

           

          People please I will be the first person to recognize all of the many MANY positive things that have come out of the sudden halt of the world. I always TRY to find the good in situations that seem gloomy, and the reason for the season. The current situation no doubt has slowed our very fast paced lives down, way way down and made us find new and creative ways to be closer through distancing, new ways to learn, and work.  I love my family more than anything in this world and I have cherished the extra time with them doing things we normally wouldn't have time to do because we would be running here or there participating in extra curriculars and other activities. Over the last 60 days we have eaten every meal together, extended our family dinners into game nights. Put puzzles together, swam daily, walked several miles together everyday and spent more than normal time as a family together at home. We have been able to see the things that really matter at the end of the day. Not only personal benefits but the world itself has had time to slow down and  rejuvenate itself.  However, that being said I really miss what was our "normal"....sure people say we will never get that back and perhaps we may not need certain things to go back to the way they used to be but as humans we are not programed to be the way our officials are demanding us to be. This people cannot be our "new normal". I need personal interactions with other people, I need to see a dear friend in a store and be able to go give them a hug, I need socialization, I need to be able to smile at a stranger in a store and have it brighten their day, not behind a mask covered face. I love the life my family and I have built. Take it from me someone who is a pro at picking up life as I know it and moving to a different place to create a "new life" in a "new place" every couple of years. Being able to create a "new normal" is my specialty. However, I don't believe the world needs a "new normal."

 

I miss going to the gym with my husband and working out for my health and well being. It is good for my soul, and it helps center myself for the day ahead. Home workouts are rough, monotonous, and the instructor has the hots for me and won't stop touching my butt.

 

I miss spending my evenings on the football field watching my boys practice and prepare for football season. Now I watch the live feed of WWF between two killer whales in the backyard pool.

 

I miss going out to have coffee, lunch, or a glass of wine with my girlfriends on occasion. Friends that I will only get to spend limited time with because the military will soon separate us hundreds of miles apart. So those get togethers are extremely precious to me. Now I have conversations with myself and a glass of wine in my closet while admiring the dress shoes I haven't gotten to wear in months.

 

I miss going to the beach listening to the sound of the waves putting my feet in the sand closing my eyes and feeling the weight of the world lifted. Now the closest thing I have to the beach and waves is the sound of them when I put a huge sea shell up to my ear while splashing in the bathtub.

 

I miss my weekly date nights with my husband talking about our week and things that we are looking forward to in the future, the past and where we will be in 5 years. Since we have been together for the last 60 days our date nights consist of talking about what we want for dinner the next night over a meal of whatever food wasn't gobbled up by the kids.

 

I miss going to the store and not feeling like people think I have an infectious plague. Having to make sure I'm within the 6 foot regulation, going the right way down an isle and trying to breath while not touching my face. Having to hold in a couch or a sneeze while making sure I don't forget anything because I don't want to have to go back and do it all over again anytime soon. Okay the face coverings are nice if I leave the house with a booger in my nose that my family failed to tell me about, at least strangers at Wal Mart won't see it. 

 

I miss going to an actual church service. The worship, the music and the connections. Watching at home the kids are tempted to fall asleep (okay that's not any different), the dogs want to play ball and there are never any dang donuts.

 

          Folks these last two months have felt like an eternity. This virus is here to stay, it is not going anywhere, so stop with the "when it's gone". But does that mean I have to live where connections are made behind a screen, daily interactions, conversations, and smiles are done behind masks, and people live in fear of being a victim of Covid? I am ready to share my family with the outside world. I'm ready to send my husband off to work and share him with his coworkers. I know they miss hearing his daily frustration rants of why the computer is running so damn slow. I want to love and miss him while he's gone and anxiously await his return in the evenings. I want to have stuff to talk about over a dinner out just husband and wife, and not have the words virus, covid, depression or distance learning to be in any part of the conversation. I want to share my kids with their friends, teammates, classmates, teachers, and be able to miss them while they are gone. Ask them how their day was when they return knowing I'll get the sassy eyeroll with the sarcastic comment said in a Tony the Tiger voice "GRRREAT!"

 

 

 

 

          People please stop the division, the hate, the judgment and remember that yes, we may all be  in this together but we are NOT all in the same boat. This is not Noah's Arc. Some of us are charting these waters on a yacht, some are on a sailboat, some are in a canoe and some are on a lifeboat. I'm tired of rowing my boat y'all, so don't judge me for saying I want to stop rowing and get back to life.